Long before we married. Rob and I imagined a playful, carefree childhood for each of our kids. Yet our hopes and dreams denied the pain of growing up in a broken world. We didn’t know that “as many as one in six U.S. children between the ages of 6 and 17 has a treatable mental health disorder such as depression, anxiety problems or attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).” (AAFP) As our kids grew, we found ourselves wrestling with tough questions like, Is this just a phase or a real emotional disorder? Why are they so stressed and downhearted? Is it time to find a therapist for our struggling child?
In over 25 years of parenting, our kids have suffered broken hearts and broken bones.
Bullying and rejection brought painful loneliness. Trauma and loss created grief with no comfort. Cross-country moves disrupted their sense of home. Academic struggles damaged their confidence and self-esteem. Genetics and health issues fed the fires of anxiety and depression.
Just as life brings tough times for us as moms and dads, it’s difficult for our kids as well.
If a child seems “stuck” with wounds that don’t heal, they might need ore than a parent can give to be happy and healthy. By reaching out for professional help, we discover the powerful support available to our children.
How can parents know if their kids need professional help? When is it time to find a therapist for your child?
Here are five signs your child may need professional support for their mental health:
A mismatch of emotions
The greatly-anticipated birthday gift your child just had to have is unwrapped with barely a smile. A small setback like a lost library book or a dead battery creates an explosion of anger. A postponed playdate brings inconsolable tears, while a significant loss is met with, “Whatever.” Your son drags his feet when he’s running late, or your daughter panics even with all the time in the world to get ready. Emotions run too high or fall flat, out of sync with your child’s situation.
If you notice a consistent pattern of under- or over-reacting, take notice. A mountain of unseen stress may be damaging your child’s ability to cope. Inner hurts or depressive thoughts may be stealing the celebration of life’s joys. A therapist can help to look under the surface and identify the reasons for the mismatch of emotions.
Physical habits and changes
Has your athlete become a couch potato? Is your healthy eater suddenly binging on fast food and ice cream bars? Is your child obsessed with exercise and their phone’s calorie-counting app? Perhaps personal hygiene has gone by the wayside. You might see an uptick in nervous behaviors like hair tugging, picking at the skin or nails, constant vocalizing, or fidgeting and tapping.
Or, your son or daughter is struggling to fall asleep at night and stay energized through the day. You notice a strong aversion to certain food textures, sounds, or tags and clothing. For our daughter, school attendance was suffering because of frequent headaches and stomach pains. Abrupt changes in eating, sleeping, or appearance can be a clue your child needs help.
A professional can recognize if your child has a serious struggle that’s affecting their physical habits and health. An eating disorder, for example, is a significant medical issue that needs special care. Addiction and self-harm require targeted therapies to heal and overcome. Targeted therapy can give your child tools to cope with stress, poor self-esteem, or sensory and attention issues. With help, kids can grow strong in body and spirit.
Can’t we just get along?
As a family, you’re on the same team. Your house is a safe space where each of you can feel accepted, loved, and important. Yet all of a sudden, your child treats you like the enemy. The smallest request is met with resistance. You’re exhausted by your child’s complaining and arguing. Every little word of correction is taken as a personal attack on their personality or character. You used to enjoy conversation and quality time, but now your son or daughter is freezing you out. Brothers or sisters feel bullied and bruised, and sibling rivalry is at an all-time high. What happened to your agreeable child and peaceful home?
If you feel like you’re in constant conflict with your child, consider reaching out for help. A therapist can help sort out the root of the anger and negativity coming at you each day. You can learn more effective ways to communicate and understand one another. A professional can help you calm the storm and draw closer again.
Danger, danger everywhere
As adults, we’re often jealous of kids’ confidence. They plunge into the deep end of the pool. They never met a roller-coaster they didn’t like. That thick chapter book or advanced chemistry class is no match for their tenacity. When new neighbors move in, they’re the first to cross the street and say hello. Kids are curious and eager to explore, experiment, and test their limits.
We’re concerned and confused when our bold, brave child is suddenly afraid of their own shadow. They want the lights left on to ward off monsters under the bed. Party invitations are shoved in the trash with no RSVP. Your extrovert has become a homebody—anxious, quiet, and sticking close to you every minute. “What-if’s” dominate your conversation as your son or daughter worries and frets.
During one of our kids’ struggles, she made it clear her favorite summer summer camp was a no-go. Instead of enjoying a fun and fascinating world, your fearful child is letting life pass her by.
A professional can help you discern if your child’s fear is a temporary event, a reaction to trauma, or a mental health disorder. Our son gained a fresh dose of peace and courage when his therapist helped him put a name to his fears. He learned how to recognize the unique stress triggers that made him want to freeze, fight, or run away. A therapist can teach your child how to cut anxiety down to size.
Healthy, happy kids have an open heart and a huge imagination. They’re fiercely loyal to their friends and crave relationship. Looking ahead, they dream big about all they want to see and experience as they grow. Kids are competitive—even with themselves—as they tackle new ideas and discover their talents. They feel proud of each small step of independence, whether it’s pouring their own juice or depositing their first paycheck in the bank. As moms and dads, it’s rewarding to watch them spread their wings and fly.
Yet we feel grieved when our motivated student’s grades take a dive. We wonder why our promising musician leaves the instrument case in the corner to gather dust. A dedicated athlete may make excuses to miss practice, or quit the team altogether. Instead of reading, drawing, and building, your creative kiddo might sit passively in front of screens all night. It’s concerning to see a child slide into isolation as he or she pulls away from friends and every kind of social activity. When goals, friendships, and commitment come to a halt, it’s a clue our child is not okay.
If it seems like your son or daughter is ready to quit the activities and friendships that mean the most, you can seek an outside perspective. With help, your child can gain insight into why they feel stuck or stalled on their journey. They can regain a sense of purpose and excitement for life.
Our children are growing in a complex world with pressures on all sides–this past year has been one of the most difficult we can remember for all of us.
While it’s humbling to face our limits as parents, we were never meant to raise our kids in our own strength. We trust in a loving God who hears every prayer for our sons’ and daughters’ hearts.
In the battle for their minds and emotions, he tells us, “Surely you need guidance to wage war, and victory is won through many advisers.” (Proverbs 24:6) When we hesitate to reach out for help for our kids, he reminds us that “the wise listen to advice.” (Proverbs 12:15)
If you feel concern for your child, take it to prayer. God will keep his promise to give you the wisdom you’re asking for—generously and without finding fault. (James 1:5) He offers compassion and mercy. Healing and strength. Patience and endurance. He is ready to guide you to the encouragement, support, and professional help your family needs today.
***Originally posted at Crosswalk.com
Place your kids in God’s hands every day through prayer!
Powerful Prayers for Your Son and Powerful Prayers for Your Daughter are powerful tools to invite God into every worry, struggle, and dream you hold for your children as they grow.
Thank you for your words. We have been struggling with 2 teenage sons. The pandemic has taken a toll on my 17 year old senior. He’s angry that this happened during his senior year, disappointed that all his hopes and dreams have been crushed by lockdowns, and sad because just as he was starting to fit in and make friends, the virtual school has taken that all away.
Looking for therapists that see adolescents is extremely difficult. Our son has told us many times that he feels depressed and wishes he can talk to someone. We just started going back to in-person church, with a new youth group, however he has fought us consistently about going.
We are seeking advice.
Thank you in advance.
Thank you for sharing with us today, Linda! I sent you a personal email, and Rob and I are praying for your son. Kids today have suffered through a long and challenging season in so many ways.