Episode 137: How to Break a Cycle of Judgement with Your Family

Every parent knows the struggle of deciding how to respond to our children’s choices and behavior. Whether your children are little, in the rebellious teen and pre-teen stage, or grown and out of your house, it’s natural to question how the choices they’re making may have long-term ramifications.

We wrestled with these kinds of concerns when our oldest daughter told us she wanted a tattoo. Our minds swirled with all the possible cons—and we wondered whether or not we should speak out against this permanent choice. Encountering situations like this one over the years has taught us something important. Whether it’s a small difference in our personal preferences or a huge divide between our core values, the judgment we carry in our hearts and minds has the potential to cause big rifts in our relationships with our kids.

Our daughter did end up getting the tattoo. Years later, I (Joanna) admired a tattoo I saw as I was traveling in the airport. When I told our daughter about it, I could see her face light up to be able to connect with me on something that had previously elicited some judgment and strain on our relationship.

My guest for this conversation knows what it’s like to struggle with a judgmental spirit. Shannon Popkin is an author, speaker, wife, and mom to three adult children. She loves combining her gifts for humor and storytelling with her passion for Jesus and the truth of God’s Word.

In this episode, Shannon shares:

How to respond when your child makes a questionable choice
3 instances where it’s appropriate to challenge someone’s decisions
Other relationships in our lives where we can experience judgment
And more!

We hope you enjoy this conversation!

Links:

Our Takeaways:

1) Question whether you are inviting discussion or casting judgment. More often than not, our children have a desire to be understood. We may think we know what they are thinking and what is motivating them to make a choice we disagree with, but you may be surprised at the true reason behind their decisions. Before we jump to judgment, let’s pause and ask questions to discover why they are moving toward that decision. Even if you can’t condone their choice, you will have strengthened the relationship by first seeking to understand.

2) Prepare your heart in the waiting. Whether you are experiencing distance from your spouse, disconnection with a neighbor, or a divide between you and your child, use this space to consider how you have contributed to the breakdown in the relationship. While you may be morally or biblically in the right, God asks us to offer people grace and mercy. Ultimately, he is the one who will soften their heart and change their mind if necessary.

3) Give the gavel back to God. How many things do we judge other people for, not because they’re wrong, but simply because they differ from our own preferences? Is what we are concerned with something that goes against God’s law? While I may not think it wise for my daughter to have gotten a tattoo, there was not anything sinful about her decision to get one. Sometimes, we can have a tendency to elevate our preferences and opinions to the same importance as God’s law. But the Lord is the only one who has the right to judge our choices and actions. Before we question someone else or cast judgment, let’s ask ourselves, “Is this my rule or God’s rule?”

Meet Our Guest

Shannon Popkin is an author, speaker, wife, and mom to three adult children. She loves combining her gifts for humor and storytelling with her passion for Jesus and the truth of God’s Word. Shannon is the author of Comparison Girl and her latest book, Kinda Judgy. She lives in West Michigan with her husband, Ken, and their two Shih Tzus.