Episode 110: How to Break Free of Painful Patterns in Your Marriage—with Ron and Nan Deal
Do you have a dog who panics on a trip to the vet or groomer? It can be quite an ordeal! It’s something we experienced recently with our Bernedoodle, Jovy, on grooming day. While the perceived threat wasn’t real, her reaction to it could have put her (and Joanna!) in real danger.
We can sometimes react just like Jovy as we interact with our spouse. Something that seems simple on the surface can trigger instant feelings of stress and anxiety. Our bodies go into overdrive. And in our fight to feel secure with our spouse, we only push them further away.
These painful patterns can occur in any relationship—not just marriages—and when they do, we can end up on a trajectory that causes even more pain and frustration. That’s why we are so grateful to have Ron and Nan Deal joining us for a conversation about how emotional reactions can hurt instead of help our relationships.
Ron is a bestselling author, licensed marriage & family therapist, podcaster, and popular conference speaker who conducts marriage and family seminars and professional trainings. Nan has a degree in Early Childhood Education and taught in schools for over 25 years. She is a leader with a local Re-Generation ministry and, together with Ron, leads a support group for parents who have lost a child.
Together, Ron and Nan are co-authors of The Mindful Marriage: Create Your Best Relationship Through Understanding and Managing Yourself.
In this episode, Ron and Nan share:
- The four reactive coping styles
- Practical steps to uncover your painful patterns
- The role regulation plays in the equation
- And much more!
This is such a rich conversation about how we can resolve the patterns of the past and find healing in our relationships. Enjoy!
Links:
- [BOOK] The Mindful Marriage: Create Your Best Relationship Through Understanding and Managing Yourself
- [BOOK] Make Sense of Your Story: Why Engaging Your Past with Kindness Changes Everything
- [FREE ASSESSMENT] What’s Your Reactive Coping Style?
- Connect with Ron and Nan on their website, Facebook, or Instagram
Our Takeaways:
1) Our brains develop a narrative based on past experiences. We often experience painful patterns in our marriages when our brains incorrectly interpret what is happening. As children, we learn what love, safety, and conflict resolution look like—often from the examples set around us. If those examples were unhealthy, our brains can carry those patterns into adulthood, causing us to feel unsafe or unloved even when that’s not actually true in the present. And unfortunately, these patterns often become habitual and go unnoticed. It isn’t until we start looking at our past and underlying beliefs that we can disrupt these negative patterns.
2) We need to do both individual work and work as a couple. Every single person on the planet gets dysregulated! We all have unhealthy patterns, sinful desires, and areas where we need the Spirit to do a work in us. It’s important that we take the individual time to address what is going on inside of ourselves as well as working together as a couple to address the patterns we’ve developed in our marriage.
3) Begin with regulation. Before we can access additional tools or uncover our underlying patterns, we have to first get out of a reactionary place. Our guests refer to this as our reactive coping style. When we are in this emotional mindset, we can lash out and react in a way that only causes further pain. This means we have to develop the skill to know when to step away from an argument and communicate to our spouse when we are feeling dysregulated.
Meet Our Guests
Ron and Nan Deal are conference speakers and co-authors. Ron is the bestselling author of over a dozen books, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and host of the FamilyLife Blended® podcast. Nan retired from teaching after 25 years and currently works for Live Thankfully. They reside in Little Rock, Arkansas and have three sons, a daughter-in-law, a grandson, and a golden retriever.
