How to Find Peace When Your Child is Struggling
As a little girl, I dreamed of becoming a mom. The fun of cuddling my baby dolls gave way to babysitting toddlers as a tween and teen. I would pull my mother’s parenting books off the shelf and read them cover to cover, hoping to someday grow a little family with a husband I loved. But I had no idea back then that God would outdo himself with the gift of FIVE children! Our kids are blessings of love that mean the world to Rob and me.
But while motherhood brought every kind of joy, it also proved that I have an active imagination! Maybe you, too, have lost countless hours of sleep imagining—and fearing—all the worst things that could happen to your kids in this scary and unpredictable world.
What if they can’t make friends and they’re depressed and alone?
What if they fail their classes, drop out of school, and live in my basement forever?
What if they suffer a life-threatening disease or a terrible accident?
What if violence strikes at their school?
What if they get hooked on alcohol, porn, or drugs?
What if they face a teen pregnancy?
What if their choices land them in prison?
What if they date–or marry–a cruel or destructive person?
What if they move far, far away and I never get to see them?
What if they reject the Lord and the truth of the Bible?
What if my child rejects me because I fail as a parent or they feel we’re too different?
Whatever we imagine, I’m sure that every mom carries a “worst nightmare” in her heart and mind. And we wonder if our fears come to pass how we’ll ever make it through.
After mothering our kids for over 30 years, I can say that some of the struggles I’ve imagined have become a reality. We know the anxiety of the principal’s office, the hospital waiting room, and the therapist’s couch. We’ve sat in the pew at church, painfully aware of the empty seat beside us. We’ve held our breath as our child has struck out on a precarious path we would not have chosen for them. As a mom, I know what it’s like to feel disappointed. Afraid. Heartbroken. What about you today? Are you living your worst nightmare as a parent?
Recently those heavy emotions were bearing down on my spirit. I was holding up my dreams against reality and felt my peace draining away. On a morning when I felt especially low, I sensed the Spirit speaking to my heart:
“Your child’s struggle is not the worst thing that could happen. The worst thing is that you might lose your trust in Me.”
I realized I was putting so much focus and energy into worrying over my children’s lives that my faith and peace were paying the price.
Today, are you finding it difficult to see God’s light in the darkness of your child’s situation? Let’s take hold of three truths from the Word to encourage our faith through any struggle our kids may face.
We are Daughters First, Mothers Second
When our babies are born, we gladly exchange our name for the sweet sound of “Mama.” Every bit of our time, energy, and money is consumed with providing the most healthy and happy childhood possible. Our senses are tuned every second to the well-being of the kids who hold our hearts. Yet as the months and years go by, it can seem like our role as mother is all that we are.
The intensity of our focus on our kids can bury our true identity as daughters of God. Loving our family is meant to flow from the love of God that made us his own. As moms, we can forget that we are image-bearers of God (Gen. 1.27). We are his workmanship, created for a purpose (Eph. 2.10). We are filled by his Spirit (1 Cor. 3.16). We’ve been chosen and adopted into his family (Eph. 1.4). He took our guilt, set us free, and is making us new every day. Before we are daughter or sister, wife or mother, friend or neighbor, we are beloved daughters who are seated “in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus” (Eph. 2.6).
Knowing we are chosen, cherished, and secure in the Lord means that even though our kids may struggle, we are well. We are held by our strong Father. He is using every parenting difficulty to shape us, grow us, and reveal more of himself. He is our Source who fills us with peace and satisfies our souls.
Prayer is Where the Power Is
When our kids go through pain or make self-destructive choices, it hurts our hearts. We grieve every setback, disappointment, and the tears that they cry. As we carry their burdens on our own shoulders, it’s easy to feel defeated. Our sad and anxious emotions can silence our voice, cripple our confidence, and overwhelm us with stress.
Yet God says that we are not called to be worriers–we’re warriors for the souls of our kids. A spiritual battle is waging over our children, and you and I are given the privilege and power to pray for them every day. Philippians 4:6 holds an energizing promise for us in our mothering:
“Don’t worry over anything whatever; tell God every detail of your needs in earnest and thankful prayer, and the peace of God which transcends human understanding, will keep constant guard over your hearts and minds as they rest in Christ Jesus.”
God is listening. He loves you and your children. He is for you. His loving power is enough to overcome whatever our kids might face. Through our prayers, we “receive mercy and find grace for help when we need it” (Heb. 4.16). Prayer changes things! Let’s keep praying with boldness that never gives up.
God Is in Control
As moms, we show up when our kids are struggling. We schedule the checkups and therapy sessions. We sit through the teacher conferences. We scour the web and the bookstore for experts’ advice. With open arms, we reach out to comfort and soothe our child’s spirit. Yet even when we’ve done all we can to support and help, the problems continue.
When our kids are stuck or their issues escalate, life feels chaotic. We wonder, What will it take to turn things around? Why do they have to learn everything the hard way? Who can I reach out to for help? Does my love make any difference at all? How will my child’s story end?
We feel lost. Discouraged. Ready to quit.
Yet it’s when we’ve worn ourselves down and reached our limits as a mom that we can finally surrender it all to God’s control. We can loosen our grip and trust in his timing. Instead of trying to be everything for our kids, he invites us to rest. To trust that he loves our children even more than we do. To take every wish and worry and lay them at his feet. We can breathe, let his peace wash over us, and follow his lead as we care for our kids.
Can we trust that “God sits on his holy throne” today? (Ps. 47:8) Let’s place our kids in his hands, taking him at his word that “with God all things are possible” in their lives (Matt. 19.26).
Friend, if you’re struggling in a stressful or painful season with your child, our hearts are with you. Reach out any time and we would be grateful to pray for you and your family. It’s a blessing to walk this journey of parenting, together!
P.S. Sometimes, it can be hard to find the right words to pray for the ever-changing challenges your children are navigating.
That’s why we wrote Powerful Prayers for Your Son and Powerful Prayers for Your Daughter.
Included are stories from other parents who have experienced God’s love as he answered prayers for their own children. When writing this book, it was important to us to cover the tough topics that every parent worries about—such as stress, purity issues, social pressures, grief and loss, and more:
This is such an important reminder! Ephesians 2.6 is a favorite verse of mine––thank you for reminding me that I have a seat at the table in the heavenly realms…what a picture of unending joy and peace (while I’m living in the storm)!