4 Ways to Overcome Jealousy in Your Marriage

As dreary rainfall poured outside our windows, I scooped macaroni and cheese into bowls and called the kids for dinner. Rob’s chair at the head of our well-worn table was empty—again—since another international business trip had called him away. As the kids chattered between bites of noodles, my imagination drifted to what Rob might be doing at that very moment.

I bet he’s eating at an upscale restaurant with an elegant menu and white tablecloths.
He has a king-sized bed with eight pillows all to himself.
He’s wearing that crisp button-down shirt that makes his eyes look extra blue.
He’s hanging out with smart, well-traveled adults and seeing the sights of a lifetime.
Rob is respected. Talented. Important. He’s everything I’m not.

After a few moments of following my thoughts where they led, I found myself fully in the grip of the green-eyed monster of jealousy. The meal in my bowl tasted like dust. My clothes, covered in crumbs and accented by a bit of baby spit-up on my shoulder, felt disgusting. The evening ahead looked tedious as dishes and laundry, baths and bedtime stories awaited my attention.

If only I could fly across the ocean and do something exciting for once. It’s just not fair.

Little did I know that at that moment, Rob was having his own battle with jealousy! He missed sharing the simple rhythms of life with our family. Jet lag had stolen his sleep. The pressure to perform for his company was intense. His hotel room felt lonely after days among strangers. Rob wished more than anything to hail a cab and hurry home to the ones he loved.

In that season of our life together, jealousy raised its ugly head over and over. But the truth is, even if Rob’s feet had never left U.S. soil, jealousy would have still found a way to worm its way into my heart. It has a way of rearing its ugly head when we least expect it. Because let’s be honest—envy is a challenge for every relationship.

Maybe you struggle with your wife’s constant attention to your nursing baby or anxious teen. Or you feel your partner’s job competes for their focus on you. Maybe your in-laws are generous and supportive, but your family is critical and controlling. Your spouse is fit no matter what they eat, while your jeans won’t zip up if you even glance at an Oreo. One of you has achieved your dream career, while the other is trapped in a dead-end job. Maybe you feel lonely and left out as your partner pursues the hobbies and friendships that give them joy. Or they got the car/phone/vacation they wanted while you’re stuck with second best.

In any relationship, the temptation to compare is real. And the more we compare, the more it can seem like we’re getting the short end of the stick.

The problem with jealousy is that the damage it causes can spread to every corner of our marriage. Lies take hold, making us believe our happiness, our love, and our future are in jeopardy. Those fears and lies feed resentment, and soon our relationship becomes a battleground.

In the Bible, James 4:1-2 (NIV) describes exactly what happens when jealousy seeps into our marriage:

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight.

It’s clear from God’s Word that jealousy leads to death! It may not be a literal death, but it could mean the death of affection, the breakdown of trust, the end of selfless generosity and thoughtful care, the death of partnership, unity, or even enjoyment of life as a couple. Jealousy kills the peace and loving oneness we long to share with our spouse.

But just as God’s Word lays out the damaging effects of jealousy, it also gives us the keys we need to unlock freedom and joy once again. Let’s look at four ways to move from jealousy to joy in your marriage:

1. Practice Gratitude

At our house, the “list” is everything. The grocery list reminds us to stock up on yogurt at Trader Joe’s. The packing list makes sure our son goes to camp with enough underwear to get through the week. The to-do list makes sure I call the dog groomer or Rob answers so-and-so’s email by Friday. Lists make things happen.

Jealousy is a list-maker too. It keeps a tally of who went first, who had their way, and who got the most. Jealousy keeps a record of every insult and disappointment. Jealousy keeps us so busy counting our losses—and our partner’s wins—that we have no room left to count our blessings.

Praise the Lord, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits—
who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
— Psalm 103:1-5 (NIV)

Now that is a list worth keeping. As we choose to set our minds on God’s benefits, we can celebrate the healing He’s accomplished in our lives. The forgiveness that released us from guilt and shame. The love and mercy that gives comfort in our darkest hours. We can remember the answered prayers and the unexpected gifts that have made our lives rich and meaningful. When we immerse ourselves in the goodness of God, our jealous complaints are washed away by grateful praise.

READ: Cultivating Gratitude For Your Spouse

2. Practice Celebration

If you want to witness jealousy in the flesh, just attend a preschooler’s birthday party! Any little kid can tell you whose piece of cake had the most frosting, who got the longest turn in the bounce house, and whose present was the birthday girl’s favorite. Tantrums and tears flow as fast as melting popsicles drip onto the carpet.

Sometimes our inner preschooler can ruin the party in our marriage too. But despite life’s challenges and heartaches, there is much to celebrate every day. God sent His Son Jesus into this world “so that [we] would have life, and have it abundantly” (John 10:10 NIV).

One of the best ways to conquer jealousy is to celebrate God’s goodness at work in the life of your spouse. Romans 12:15 points the way, saying, “Rejoice with those who rejoice.” That might mean joining them on the couch to cheer on their favorite team during playoffs or delivering flowers to their desk when they earn that hard-won promotion. Maybe it’s planning a weekend getaway after the first semester of homeschooling or sending your spouse off on their hunting weekend with homemade brownies and a love note in their pack. It could mean taking them to lunch because the world needs to see their new haircut.

To practice celebration we simply remember this: Nothing kicks jealousy to the curb like allowing the joy of our spouse to become our joy, too.

3. Practice Honesty

Just like all sin, jealousy grows stronger and more destructive when kept in the dark. Ephesians 5:8-11 offers a powerful challenge to bring our thoughts and feelings out into the open:

For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.

It’s amazing how quickly our jealousy is cut down to size if we confess our struggle to the one we love. For Rob and I, this has meant plenty of conversations to keep it real between us. These conversations hold two essential elements:

First, we have to apologize for letting our attitudes go sideways. If we’ve been sour and negative, we own it. If we’ve given the cold shoulder, we name it and offer emotional and physical closeness. If we have denied our spouse the support and affirmation they deserve, we commit to standing in their corner once again.

Second, we name our needs. Perhaps our jealousy is a clue that something is missing that needs to be addressed. Maybe we need a date night to reconnect. Or a few hours of time alone to recharge. Maybe we need some extra help to organize the house or to get the kids to practice on time. Sometimes, we may want our spouse to dig deeper into a hard parenting issue. Perhaps you’re feeling called to pursue a class, a ministry, or a project, but you’re not sure your spouse will get behind you. When we lay our needs out on the table, jealousy has no power to play the comparison game or keep us silent.

4. Practice Prayer

At its core, jealousy is a belief that others are filled while we remain empty. God stands ready to fill us up because every hope and need can be satisfied in Him. By calling on God in prayer, He can renew our perspective. He can restore contentment and gratitude. He can refresh our love for our spouse. Through prayer, we can take hold of God’s promises to give us joy and make us new.

Remember the verses from James 4 that I quoted in the beginning? The very next words in that passage read, “You do not have because you do not ask God” (v. 2). God wants to be our Source. He wants to put his loving power on display in our lives. God is eager to show His care and provide what we need. He wants us to be free to love our spouse selflessly and freely because we’re strong and secure in Him. Let’s ask Him to accomplish this in our lives and marriages today.

Lord,

It’s tempting to believe that somehow my spouse’s blessings take away from my own. I compare my weaknesses to their strengths. I resent the experiences and relationships they enjoy. When I’m lonely, discouraged, or struggling, I tell myself they’ve got it made. Instead of celebrating their joys, my jealousy brings both of us down.

Change my heart so I can love with generous abandon. Let me praise your name for your goodness in my spouse’s life. Show me what it means to cheer them on and celebrate their blessings. Help me to lean on you instead of demanding from my spouse what only you can provide. Give me courage to be vulnerable and share my needs and hopes out loud. Set us free from envy, competition, and comparison that drive us apart. Draw us closer to one another and to you. Be our everything. Amen.

As you go through this week, here are some encouraging verses to hold on to when jealousy strikes:

His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. — 2 Peter 1:3
Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” — Hebrews 13:5
I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing.” You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. — Psalm 16:2,11
[Love] does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. — 1 Corinthians 13:5-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. — Philippians 4:6
See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! — 1 John 3:1
Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves… Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. — Romans 12:10,12

READ: 20 Prayers to Pray Over Your Spouse and Marriage

Extra Resources to Help You Overcome Envy

As much as I might wish that the strategies I’ve shared here would instantly make your jealousy go away for good, I know that overcoming envy is a process. Just like strengthening a muscle, you must keep working at it to enjoy lasting results.

Here are a few extra resources to help you continuously commit to this goal: