5 Ways to Grow Your Patience Toward Your Spouse

Rob and I both work from home, and the perks are sweet. The commute is only twenty steps, and we don’t have to pack a lunch. We can share mid-morning coffee and hugs in the kitchen. We don’t have to leave a voicemail to ask an urgent question or celebrate a “win” at work. And there’s always someone to holler to for help if the toilet paper runs out!

We’re both partners and best friends, so sharing our days under the same roof is a gift we appreciate. But that much togetherness means we have more time to test each other’s patience, too.

Last week, for example, I turned on my mic for a Zoom meeting with full confidence that Rob was taking our son to an appointment. The provider soon texted, wondering where my guys were, and I realized Rob was in the office behind me on his own Zoom call! I could feel the irritation rising in my chest as I apologized profusely and promised we’d be there next time.

For Rob’s part, at least once a day he shuffles my paper trail back into a tidy stack and gathers my water bottle, coffee mug, and Spindrift® cans back to the kitchen. He also wonders out loud why he bought me TWO doodles who never fail to bark when he takes a call or we hit record on the podcast.

Our marriage proves why God had to put “love is patient” at the very top of the list of love’s attributes in 1 Corinthians 13.

No couple is immune to the ways that patience is tested in their relationship. It’s impossible to share life side by side without a clash of priorities and habits, opinions and personalities. Yet we’ve learned that we can’t just white-knuckle our way to a patient spirit and gentle words.

Today, we’re glad to share five ways to help you move through the inevitable frustrations that can hinder trust, closeness, and love in your marriage.

1. Untangle Your Assumptions

It’s one thing to deal with your spouse’s forgetfulness when the garbage doesn’t make it to the curb on trash day. Or when they hyped up the kids with a pillow fight right before bedtime on a school night. Or when you’re eating in all this month because they made too many trips through the drive-thru last month. Yet it’s another thing to layer on a load of assumptions about the motives of their heart.

Our spouse’s habits and mistakes can tempt us to question their intentions. We assume they don’t care. That our wants and needs are unimportant. That they’re selfish or clueless or passive aggressive. We look at outside behavior to define our beliefs about their inner feelings, values, and character.

Yet our assumptions do nothing but deepen resentment and widen the divide between us. Instead, we can give our loved one the benefit of the doubt. We can exchange our suspicion for a mindset that says they’re for us and on our side. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs describes the transformation in his marriage to his wife, Sarah, who “decided to believe that I do not purpose to be unresponsive and unloving, not in my deepest soul” (Love & Respect, pg. 22). This choice to shift belief opened the window to a fresh breeze of peace between them.

We can ask God to untangle our assumptions, setting us free to release resentment and move close to one another again.

2. Dig Under the Surface

Early in our marriage, I struggled with deep insecurity. This fed thoughts like, I have to be perfect to be loved. I have to protect myself or nobody will. He’ll give up on me eventually. This meant I saw every mistake I made as putting everything at stake. And that every mistake he made was a sign he didn’t love me after all. Talk about pressure!

So, when we tested each other’s patience, my emotions would go from one to a hundred in half a second. It wasn’t until I slowed down to unpack the fears and doubts under the anger that patience could grow. One of the most important steps to cultivating patience is letting our frustration shine a light on the deeper needs under the surface.

I mentioned earlier that I was irritated by Rob forgetting our son’s appointment. Instead of rolling my eyes or chewing him out, I had to ask myself why it bothered me so much. What I realized was that the mental load of managing our family life is a lot! I crave a sense of teamwork and relief that I’m not carrying the weight alone. So when Rob forgot the appointment, I felt forgotten too. By bringing that into the light, I could express my overwhelm and receive his compassion.

What about you?
Maybe your spouse’s overspending hits at the fear of reliving the poverty of your childhood.
Or the weeds they ignore in the front yard poke at your self-image in front of the neighbors.
Maybe they worked late (again), activating your fear of abandonment.
Or they opted for Netflix instead of heading to bed, making you wonder, Are they even attracted to me anymore?

When frustration rises up, our prayers can rise up too. We can ask God to use our impatience to reveal the unhealed places in our hearts and minds. And as he does that work by his Spirit, we can begin the process of mending what’s broken inside.

3. Communicate Clearly

We already explored how assuming ill intent from our spouse will kick our impatience into higher gear. But it’s also easy to assume that our spouse is aware of what we want and need.

We can think that surely they see that wet towel on the floor as clearly as we do. And of course they know to be home in time for dinner so the kids get to youth group on time. Or they’ll definitely empty out their pockets since you announced you’re starting the laundry this afternoon.

By assuming instead of communicating, we set ourselves up for frustration every time.

Some practical ways we’ve found to share our needs and stay on the same page are:

Sale!

88 Great Conversation Starters for Husbands and Wives – floral
Original price was: $9.99.Current price is: $7.99.
Add to cart
Sale!

88 Great Conversation Starters for Husbands and Wives – black box
Original price was: $9.99.Current price is: $7.99.
Add to cart

A shared calendar that keeps us in the loop on the details of our days.
Weekly meet-ups to go over plans, schedules, shopping lists, and prayer needs together (Don’t miss Bill and Pam Farrel’s fantastic couples’ planner to create this rhythm!)
Shared lists. We leave a notepad on the counter with headings like “Costco” and “Aldi” so we can both jot things down as we pass by and decide who’s handling the shopping.
Weekly date nights. This is where we can set aside the to-dos and just listen. Hold hands. Make eye contact. Repair misunderstandings. Name where we’re anxious or discouraged. Quality time reminds us that we’re in this thing together in all our imperfections.
Ask! This week I really needed Rob to get those heavy bags of water softener salt and fill the tank. He needed me to help him prep six boxes for shipping. I needed him to pick up our son from church, and he needed me to find the super glue for a quick fix-it job. By asking each morning how we can serve each other, we communicate “I need you” and it oils the gears of our relationship.
Confess and forgive. It’s no secret we mess up every day. I run the gas tank down to fumes, and he puts my favorite coffee cup on a shelf I can’t reach. We make a point of stating our failures out loud. Of naming how we feel failed out loud. And then saying the words “I’m sorry.” “I’ll try again.” “I forgive you.” These continual fresh starts keep resentment from building between us.

4. Remember God’s Patience in Our Lives

It won’t serve us well if we label patience as simply an emotion or reaction to the challenges we face. Instead, patience is a beautiful facet of the character of our Father himself.

This is the God who forgives our stubborn, rebellious choices. Who picks us up when we fall on our face. Who, no matter how many times we lapse into old patterns, offers his help and the gift of another chance. Who is “slow to anger and abounding in love” despite our two-steps-forward, one-step-back journey to becoming like Christ (Psalm 86:15).

God promises that when we surrender our lives to him and believe in his Son, that same patience becomes knit into who we are. Like a flourishing tree, we bear the fruit of patience as his Spirit does his transforming work from the inside out (Galatians 5:22).

Today, let’s remember all the times God’s patience has held strong when we’re the worst version of ourselves. Let’s allow those memories to keep us humble and willing to extend the same grace to the one we love. Let’s go to prayer, asking for help to “bear with each other and forgive one another” because God forgave us first (Colossians 3:13). As we immerse ourselves in the reality of God’s patient mercy, we will be able to see one another as the cherished image-bearers of God we truly are.

5. Don’t Go It Alone

Some choices and behaviors that test our patience are more than just the typical rub of two people sharing space under the same roof. You may be losing patience with your spouse’s drinking or using because you see the destructive effects in their life. Or your finances may be crumbling due to debt, gambling, or failure to work. Maybe you really are raising the kids alone because of your partner’s addiction to video games or hobbies or workaholism. It’s possible your partner is struggling to “leave and cleave,” so your in-laws are inappropriately involved in your household. Or the house is a mess because depression has stolen all energy and motivation to pitch in and help.

If your patience is wearing thin because there is a real issue with mental health, intentional sin, broken boundaries, anger issues, or addiction, it’s time to reach out for help.

We encourage you to find a counselor or therapist, qualified pastoral caregiver, or addiction resource to walk alongside you in your marriage. Here are just a few of the organizations and experts we recommend to help you find support:

Practicing patience with your spouse, especially on days when you’re already struggling with your own challenges, is not easy. It’s not exciting, either—you probably won’t feel butterflies in your stomach when you’re rearranging the dishwasher that your spouse haphazardly loaded for the third time this month.

But what it is is fulfilling. When you respond with patience, you remind your spouse that they are worthy of love, trust, and kindness even in their imperfections. And when they extend that same patience to you, it becomes one of the greatest gifts a marriage can offer.

Building a marriage that lasts takes lots of grace and understanding for your spouse. It’s something we have to work on day after day, week after week, month after month, and year after year. If you are looking for more resources to help you cultivate a marriage that will stand the test of time and honor God, our Mr. & Mrs. Marriage Bundle was made for you.

This thoughtfully curated bundle includes:

Conversation cards to spark laughter and meaningful connection
366 Devotions for Mr. & Mrs. to keep faith and truth at the center of your heart and home
101 Prayers for Couples to allow you to take your hopes, dreams, and concerns to God in prayer