How to Embrace the Differences Between You and Your Spouse

Do you ever have days where you wonder if your spouse is from a completely different planet? I mean, how could two people be so different sometimes!?

Just the other day, as Rob and I were looking out our Michigan window at the changing leaves, it became obvious that we think about things very differently. I look out the window and notice the variety of colors—the orange hues, the vibrant yellows, and everything in between. However, as Rob looks out the same window his first thought is, “Look at all the raking I’ve got to do!”

If we aren’t careful, these differences can cause us to become frustrated and even lead to arguments.

Have you found yourself in a similar situation with your spouse? On vacation, maybe you’d rather meander down backroads while your partner is ready to race down the freeway at dawn. Perhaps you like to sip tea at a bed and breakfast while your spouse prefers hot dogs at a rustic campsite. Maybe you load the bowls on the dishwasher’s top rack but your spouse keeps stacking them on the bottom. Or perhaps you’re a dog person married to a cat lover.

These are small examples, but your differences may spark some big disagreements between you. How couples handle money, cope with difficult emotions, express their love, discipline the kids, or tackle daily chores around the house can often cause frustration and conflict. If you relate, you’re certainly not alone.

Differences are Good for Us

Throughout marriage, it’s easy to see the differences between you and your spouse as a bad thing. It’s true that it may take you twice as long to align your vision for a home improvement project, and you might fold the towels in opposite ways, but these differences can actually be a good thing!

It’s our differences that allow us to gain a unique perspective and see something the other person may have missed. This is how growth takes place!

If we go back to the simple example of admiring the autumn leaves, my perspective helps Rob to slow down and enjoy the world around him. His perspective gives me insight into his need for a partner to share the burden he carries to maintain our home.

When it comes to more significant issues like parenting, finances, and more, taking the time to appreciate each other’s differences will actually help us expand our own perspectives rather than become defensive and “stuck” in our ways.

The process isn’t always easy, but when we embrace our differences and learn to understand our spouse, we’re better for it.

Grace in Our Differences

At times, our responses to our differences are sinful against one another and God. We might feel resentful, lose our temper, and even attack our spouse’s character. When these actions go unchecked, our marriage can experience death by a thousand cuts as small areas of misalignment add up over time.

When we sin against our spouse or fail to love like Christ, it not only damages the relationship with our spouse but it impacts our relationship with our Creator.

But that is never the end of the story! God extends grace and forgiveness and the Spirit’s help to learn a better way. He is always ready to forgive us and restore our connection with Him.

As we navigate areas of sin with our spouse, whether we wronged them or they wronged us, we should seek to have the same attitude that Christ extends to us—that of grace. When we do this, we can repair the damage done to our relationship. We can begin anew by embracing our differences and honoring our spouse for who they are.

Here are just a few verses that remind us how God teaches us to respond to disagreements:

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”
– Philippians 2:3-4

Rather than looking down on our spouse by perceiving what’s different as inferior, we get to cherish and hold them in high esteem. The key between these two is humility. Humility is what keeps us appreciating differences.

“Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.”
– Romans 12:10

Did you know that honor and respect are a choice? These are motivated by unconditional love. When we focus our attention on caring and serving one another, there’s no room left to criticize or complain.

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”
– Philippians 4:8

Our mindset matters! If we approach our spouse with an attitude of gratitude for who they are as a person, our thoughts will begin to look for those things. We’ll start to see our differences as gifts instead of liabilities.

“The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.”
– Proverbs 12:15

Our spouse is a gift from God to shape us and bring us to maturity. When we react poorly to our differences, it’s a clue that we have some unfinished work to do in our hearts. Our differences are an opportunity to be stretched, to see another perspective, to recognize our own need for a partner, and how we can be stronger and more complete as a team.

Our hope is that you will be encouraged to see your spouse’s differences as assets in your marriage. Your spouse is a gift that God gave you to help stretch you, grow you, and bring you closer together as a team. This is a joy!