3 Ways That Conflict Can Grow a Stronger Marriage

Has the heat of yesterday’s fight left you cold and distant from your spouse today? Is every harsh word replaying itself in your mind? Do you feel lonely, offended, and misunderstood? Have you fallen into a pit of doubt and insecurity, wondering if the fabric of your marriage has been torn beyond repair?

Rob and I understand the stress and hurt of conflict in our marriage. It’s inevitable that in over 30 years together, we’ve had plenty of practice in arguing and fighting to be heard! Yet we’ve also seen how conflict can grow a stronger marriage if we allow it to humble us, teach us, and move us closer to God and each other.

Today, we’re sharing three ways that conflict can grow a stronger marriage. May the Lord bless your relationship as you invite him to do a new work in your life together.

1. Conflict exposes our pain

Every fight is lit by a spark that ignites the conflict between you. Maybe it’s exhaustion from a busy week. Or anxiety over costly bills or a child’s report card. Maybe it’s that persistent need or request that your partner has ignored for too long. Or it’s an old wound that’s never been fully healed. Perhaps you have a stressful decision or question hanging over your heads. Or life’s demands have pushed your marriage to the back burner, so you feel lonely and unloved. Whatever the trigger may be, conflict reveals the stress, frustration, and pain we carry inside.

Conflict has a powerful way of exposing our hurts and needs so we can face them, together. It can move us to ask important questions like:

What burden has my spouse been carrying all alone?
How have I been thoughtless or inconsiderate in my habits?
Have our priorities fallen out of order?
Am I taking my frustrations out on my spouse?
Is it time to get some outside help or advice for the issues we’re facing?
Am I coping with stress in healthy ways, or am I trying to distract myself or numb my emotions?
Did my partner already try to communicate their needs, before things escalated?
Have I followed through with my promises and commitments?
Have I done the heart work needed with the Lord to forgive, to heal, and to release any “record of wrongs” I’ve held on to? (1 Corinthians 13:5)
What would communicate support and love to my spouse in this season?

By allowing conflict to shine a light on our fears and concerns, hopes and needs, it can put us on a path to growing a closer and loving relationship.

2. Conflict humbles our spirits

While angry conflict may leave us feeling resentful toward our spouse, it puts a load of guilt and regret on our own shoulders too. It holds up a mirror to our pride and selfishness that puts “me” over “we” in the marriage. We realize we don’t have all the answers. Despite our best intentions, we fail. Conflict humbles our spirits as we come face-to-face with our weaknesses.

Yet it’s when we reach a place of true humility that God can do his greatest work in our marriage. Over and over, his Word gives assurance that it’s God’s power and love—not our own human efforts—that make all the difference.

My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise. (Psalm 51:17)

But [the Lord] said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. (James 1:5)

…clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” (1 Peter 5:5)

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. (James 5:16)

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 5:3)

Conflict can do a beautiful work of humbling our hearts so the Lord can soften us, heal us, and do his transformational work to make us more like Jesus. And as we grow in God’s grace and walk in the Spirit more and more, we can experience the joyful, unified, and loving marriage we’ve been longing for.

3. Conflict teaches us to pray

When conflict reveals our pain, our pride, and our weaknesses, we realize more than ever how we need the Lord’s help in our hearts and home. And it’s in the moments we feel most divided from each other that God can unite us again through prayer.

Are you wrestling to agree on a certain plan or goal? Ask God for wisdom and discernment about what to do, and willing spirits to follow his lead.

Are you feeling bitter or angry about how you’ve treated one another? Lay your sin before the Lord and receive forgiveness and the gift of a fresh start.

Does it feel like your habits and personalities are clashing every day? Ask God for help to see one another through his eyes, as God’s image-bearers who are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” (Psalm 139:14)

Have you been neglecting each other’s needs and letting your marriage grow stale? Pray for a fresh filling of “sincere love for each other” that will “love one another deeply, from the heart.” (1:22)

Have you slipped into self-sufficiency that tries to go it alone without depending on God to help, guide, and provide for your home? Ask him for surrendered hearts that trust him as the Source of all you need.

Let conflict move you to pray, and experience the goodness of God as he restores you to a place of oneness in your marriage.

Conflict can feel like a threat to the happiness and security in your relationship. Yet by allowing it to reveal your pain, humble your hearts, and draw you close to God in prayer, it can grow a stronger marriage for a lifetime.

Let’s pray for God to do something new in our relationships today.

Lord God,

You know every time we struggle to agree, to understand, and to love each other well. We let our conflicts wound our hearts and drive us apart. Today we ask you to draw us near to each other and to you. Reveal the broken places that need healing. Keep us humble and sensitive to your Spirit and to one another. Move us to pray all the time, surrendering every part of our lives to your control. Teach us what it means to love like Jesus so your peace can rest on our home. Thank you for the gift of our marriage.

Amen.

To nurture a thriving, Christ-centered marriage, it’s essential to pray for and with one another.

This heartfelt book of prayers enables couples to daily commit their struggles, dreams, and relationship to the Lord with prayers and inspiring Scriptures.

Whether newlyweds or couples who have been together for decades, 101 Prayers for Mr. & Mrs. is a great tool for any couple’s toolbox.